Thieves Try The Thirsty Calico Again. You'll Never Guess What Happened.

March 26, 2025

Take a deep breath everyone, they’re okay. They were definitely bothered, and quite mussed, but no felines were harmed.

At 7:32 am yesterday morning in Serendipity Lakes, the rear parking lot security cameras at The Thirsty Calico captured a panel truck with the words "mobile veterinarian" on the side, backing up to their warehouse next to the main building. Three people (two female, one male, we later learned) dressed in plain white ball caps and white medical scrubs got out, each carrying a small cardboard box with handles and air holes. Ignoring the warehouse, they walked to the back door area of the Calico and they somehow accessed the security gate and disappeared inside the club.

Per NSA and the management's request, any footage shown of the truck, vehicles in the lot and area around the building has been blurred.

Security cameras inside captured the scene that unfolded in the next six minutes, and Hello Namkanda was allowed to view the footage...

Once inside, the three quickly made their way to the Calico’s famous second-floor atrium, where there is typically no staff present at that time of morning. And as usual at that time of morning, all was calm and cozy there...

Needless to say, the "mobile veterinarians" who entered the premises at an odd time of day, gaining access by suspicious methods, then did just what you think they did.

They did it quietly and quickly. Within minutes their boxes were occupied, each carrying a single tiny passenger, and they were heading back the way they came towards the exit and waiting truck.

But that, citizens, is where what these three thought was gonna happen went entirely sideways.

The security footage didn’t quite capture the full sound of what happened, but it captured the moment...

As they were crossing the main floor, a dark shadow*, down on the floor, moving so fast it was a blur on the camera, shot like a bullet out from behind the bar, across the floor and attached itself to the thigh of the first person in the group. He dropped his carrier.

The man begin screaming and trying to free himself of the large black cat that had buried itself, every claw and fang, into his leg when the second blur—this one a lighter color but all claws and fang just the same—appeared from underneath a bench near the doorway and launched itself onto the man's grappling arm.

Realizing what was happening, the other two thieves immediately dropped their carriers. They ran, abandoning their flailing friend and headed for the exit. But you gotta be faster than that at the Calico.

Within seconds what happened to their accomplice happened to them, as several cats swarmed from locations all over the main floor and seized any body part that could latch onto. Bewildered Thirsty Calico staff could be seen running in from back rooms, startled expressions, holding one another back for safety, urging fellow coworkers to not go near the attacking felines.

We imagine that under this kind of attack, the ability to think clearly is the first thing to go. Which seemed likely as we watched all three thieves whose legs and arms had screaming cats attached to them, twist and flail in circles around the room, careen into one another, try to “stop drop and roll” (I guess their circumstances might actually be what being set on fire feels like). When one cat fell off, another jumped on. Finally all three thieves just bolted until they made it through the bar, the entirety of the front house of the Calico, through the front doors and out onto the sidewalks.

One of the doors propped itself open, so the cats followed, chasing the thieves right into the usually serene early morning streets of Serendipity Lakes, unleashing a cacophony so disturbing that many citizens will never forget the only sound that morning was a blood-curdling combo of angry attacking cats and the high pitched screams of three fully grown adults running the street.

To fast forward, this chaos went on for what probably seemed like forever to them, but after several minutes and several blocks away from the Calico, in the middle of the street in front of SingulariTea the cats begin relinquishing their prey and darting away.

A team of qualified handlers from the Calico had pursued the entire party at a safe distance and were successful in returning each cat to the establishment, where they were seen by actual veterinarians, ensuring that none sustained any serious injuries.

As the news broke, "SHE DID NOTHING WRONG" trended on all platforms along with photos of Minnie, a fan favorite and one of the alleged cat-heist blockers.

When our reporters arrived on the scene at SingulariTea, the cats were gone but the thieves were still there, lying or crawling around on the ground, trying to literally pull themselves together.

Our resourceful reporters at Hello Namkanda have learned from our source within Namkanda Security Agency that this brazen cat theft attempt is once again the work of Solos.

This could possibly explain why, even though they were surely called, no ambulances arrived to tend to the thieves. What they got instead was very large black van. It rolled silently, pulled up and several people dressed in business casual attire exited, lifted the three off the ground and begin dragging them towards the van. The three begin screaming again, but when the van doors snapped closed all screams were silenced. The van rolled away and as far as this reporter knows, no one has heard or seen them again.

Eyewitness to the event remain in shock and have posted plenty of videos of what happened in the streets online for all to see.

A server at the SingulariTea was standing at the front window of their tea room when the "cluster of chaos" came up the street and stopped right in front of her. She was so startled she dropped every glass cup she was holding.

“I never heard a sound like that in my life, I thought someone was being killed…”

Her coworker, however, was not unfamiliar to the chaotic scene. He pulled out his phone, rushed to the front and begin recording, “Missed it last time! Gotta get this for my girlfriend, she’s Jimin biased, she’s gonna love this.” he'd said gleefully.

Another coworker had a different reaction, his voice seemed sympathetic. “W- well.. My boyfriend’s second stepmom had a cat that absolutely hated me. And it was always laying on my stuff. I pushed it with my foot once. No I knew immediately I fucked up. And I tried to run away... but...it got me from behind,” he pointed a shaky finger at the scene that played out in the street in front of their window, “Just like that. Felt like the gates of hell had opened up…on my ass cheeks.” His voice took on a faraway tone…”I still have the scars.”

There, there, traumatized SingulariTea server. You’re safe behind your glass wall, you’re safe.

The streets weren’t crowded that early, but people who were present took cover and ran for safety as well, ducking behind parked cars, tucking into storefront doorways, unsure of what exactly was happening at first.

“I didn’t know what was going on!” said one latte-covered witness. “I just heard it and ran, I didn’t even realize I was running with my coffee! Damn…burned my nips!” she said, fanning her chest with her wet tshirt.

Another eyewitness was nursing a cut on his forehead, he'd tripped over a curb while fleeing . “I never wanna see or hear no shit like that ever again...all my balls tried to crawl back up inside me..."

"But what happened??" —a witness in the parked car next to us popped up from her hiding place, biting her breakfast muffin— Did you see that?? They were covered in cats, I never seen cats do that shit before!”...

“I’ve seen cats do this shit before,” stated Professor Si Mok, our resident zoologist, in response to our footage of the morning’s events. “I’ve observed this behavior three previous times, in fact. The Calico cats are a bit famous. So much so that universities allow students to study them as part of their course work. They’re not exactly a pride, but they're very much a family” she nodded, a small smile on her face as she watched the chaos on the screen…” Very healthy...very communal group of felines.”

Videos of what occurred in the streets of course went viral, gaining millions of views, comments, and kicking off a media coverage storm.

For some, at first it was easy to laugh, but then it became a bit harder, because it was actually quite terrifying. As cat after cat launched itself onto the thieves, the screams became higher and more desperate. And why did they have to wear white?? It made it so much easier to see all the blood…

However, not many seemed to be sympathetic towards the three, as “Deserved” trended with “deported" for several days, and most of the talk and the trends were celebratory, in support of the furry heroes.

The incident prompted many related trends over several days.

Citizens, this is not the first or the second...this is the fourth time someone’s tried stealing a cat from the Calico. They’re never successful. It always ends badly. This one ended badly most spectacularly.

When asked if the owner was aware of the incident, the Calico released this statement:

"We once again regret the disturbances at The Thirsty Calico that were due to the terrorist acts of selfish, disturbed individuals who do not value the community we hold dear to us. We are a family, and the safety and protection of our beloved cats are our top priority. Due to this heinous activity, The Calico will be closed temporarily to restore the peaceful and calming atmosphere to our furry friends, so that everyone can enjoy their company again without incident, as always. Vice President Park is fully aware of the incident, and working with the NSA to implement new measurements to resolve security issues. The Thirsty Calico Management team thanks everyone for their kind wishes, continued support and understanding at this time as we recover from this incident. See you soon!

From VP Park:

"The Thirsty Calico is home to our cats, their safe space. While they enjoy the attentions from patrons, most of whom are strangers to them, they are not public property. Please treat them as you would treat any cat that does not belong to you, with caution and respect.

We encourage visitors to enjoy the all the charms of The Thirsty Calico, including our feline friends, but again a word of caution—Enter into their space with good intentions. Our cats are very intuitive. It would be unfortunate for anyone else to have to find out the hard way.

Thank you.

Vice-President Park "

Welp! On that note, I think we're done here. And since we've had so many of you message us about this, we leave you with a much requested info asterisk..

* Many sharp-eyed fans studying screenshots and all the street footage speculate or outright declare, that the large dark cat that lead the attack from inside the club all the way to end in the street, is actually Tony Montana, Vice President Min’s beloved kitty who was recently confirmed to be visiting with his feline siblings in one of The Calico’s locations while the president is out of the country on important duties for the nation.

Hello Namkanda has not yet been able to confirm this rumour, but this reporter can tell you that we visited the atrium later that evening after collecting a few more details to see that things were back to normal, and I actually did see Tony Montana lounging on an Arhaus ottoman. He looked very innocent and also quite pleased with himself.